Chaos

Hey everyone!

This is a poem I wrote a few months ago, that I would like to share.

The title is Chaos, and I wrote it based on a few personal experiences and a conversation I was once had with a friend in high school. I had said the crazy statement, "I sometimes wish someone would come to shoot up our school." Crazy right? I of course would follow up by stating I obviously don't want anyone to be hurt in anyway, but I just get a sort of high during times of chaos. After explaining this crazy feeling I have to my friend, I was surprised to find out, I wasn't alone. She too felt the same way. So taking this feeling I have and pairing it with personal experiences, I wrote this poem. I hope you enjoy.

there is no word for

a person who craves chaos.

anywhere you search,

you'll find many words that kind of fit,

but not quite. 

maniac,

mischievous,

pandemoniac,

discoridan,

or just plain

crazy.

 

whether you're 9 and sitting

with your misogynistic father

and whispering that your mother smokes,

and awaiting the bomb to go off, 

or trying at 18 to find an excuse

to go for a cigarette run.

you pray that nothing will happen,

that your actions do not have consequences,

but yet you hope something will

implode. 

you hope for the adrenaline rush,

you hope for a reason to feel,

to cry.

 

whether you're 14 and running 

with your best friend from a 

scary man in a red pickup truck,

and hiding, 

preparing for your fate.

you hope he doesn't catch you,

and take you away from your

friends,

family,

life. 

but yet you hope he somehow gets his filthy hands on you,

to take you far away from your

friends,

family,

life. 

you imagine a world where

he succeeds, and 

the moment you somehow manage to escape,

how when you return home,

you have a story to tell. 

but reality doesn't happen

like that. 

you safely make it home,

left only to wonder. 

 

whether you're laying on the couch in your mothers

post divorce house,

and you think it's too quiet,

that you just long for screaming voices

to fill the emptiness. 

you just have to lay there,

with only a rocking chair obstructing 

her view of your tear stained cheeks,

in fear,

but yet a longing,

of sneaking past her and

having to answer the question

"why?"

 

see, there are words for people

who crave chaos,

they just aren't

any of the ones you find.

it's words like

hollow,

despondent,

desirous, 

eager. 

they don't just crave chaos for

the sake of havoc.

they crave it for 

the sake of

feeling. 

they're numb to everything

and everyone around them.

so chaos, 

it's the perfect occasion. 

in times of chaos,

it brings forth an abundance 

of emotions.

anger,

excitement,

grief.

and anything is better than

nothing.